Columnist Daniel Cantor Yalowitz: The positive power of memory

By DANIEL CANTOR YALOWITZ

Published: 05-26-2025 2:00 PM

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.” — Oscar Wilde

It’s easy to want to forget about any and everything negative that we observe and experience, which is a whole lot right now. But having a good memory is both instructive and constructive. We rely on our memory to guide us in this moment and the next. Memory is a reminder as well as a deterrent, yet it can serve to inspire us to live our aspirations while we explore potential and possibility.

Without recall, we’d wake up each day not knowing what to do, and what follows that, and there would be no precedent to act as wisdom and a boundary. But the downside of remembering something or someone is that this can paralyze us from taking the right action or overwhelm us to the point of doing something dubious. That is a form of memory called trauma. For many, our days are built upon both memory and forgetting, and that can get in the way of seeing the present as clearly as possible.

Memory can serve many functions in bettering the quality of our lives. For me, it generally goes toward two differing directions. One is to hold the essence of a person or situation, retaining the broader (and bolder) qualities that have emanated from either. This type of memory can serve to help me recall and respond to the essential characteristics that provide both content and context. This helps to guide me either toward or away from the particulars that I had previously experienced or observed — and then I can and will react accordingly. Having “essence” memory like this enables me to develop schemes or plans proactively, offering a sense of mindfulness — a service to myself and others.

A second form of memory engages the unique specifics of a person, personality, or circumstance. If the former can be considered “macro,” then this type of memory is more focused on the “micro.” “Focused memory” allows us to zoom into the nuances and facts that come together to give shape and form to any given moment and experience of someone or something. Getting the details right through employing our memory matters greatly. It helps direct us in what we feel will be our best action/reaction to any singular event, experience, or relationship. Having the power of specific recall is incredibly important: we learn to discern fact from fiction, reality from distortion, and to choose, if necessary, between leaning in with either knowledge and emotion as the primary driver of my thinking and behavior.

Frustration sets in quickly if I cannot find the most appropriate and best word as I speak, or someone’s name before addressing them, or if I am allergic to a particular food, or which street to take as I navigate a new place. As we age, these memory lapses become daily if not hourly events and I continue to be surprised by their frequency and sense of ubiquity. Quickly, a sense of overwhelm or self-defeating and internalized utterance can wash over us to shut us down, and the “rightness” of our best thinking or action is suspended, or lost. I often think that this is an essential aspect of the aging process, though it may be more acute for some than others.

Memory and clarity both matter. It is hard to be decisive when memory is faulty or slow. Interpersonal communication can become awkward and stilted when we can’t find what we need and are looking for. For me, this becomes more and more a situation of not if, but when. The good news here is that we can learn and utilize compensatory “tricks” to circumnavigate loss of memory and ability to retrieve information.

I’ve taken to practicing ways to compensate for all the forgetting I experience each day. Lists, lists — everywhere! Also, asking friends and family to “hold” data and information for me … and there are so many other ways I now know to indirectly retain the thousands of bits of detail I may need in any given moment. Sometimes I think how fortunate and blessed I am as I age to have resource and access indirect memory.

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On a larger level, our individual and collective memories serve as a conduit to beneficial action. Because I remember something about you, I am then able to address you in the most effective and meaningful way possible. When I have my facts straight, I know that my volunteering to do x or y is most helpful or that addressing a real-world situation in a particular way may contribute positively.

Our memory is based on the things we observe and experience in our lives. One critical way information filters into our memory banks is through our following of the news of our times. This can be instructive, but because there is also some degree of distortion (“noise”) and bias in most reporting, we may not be fully attuned to any form of objective reality. People react and respond to what they hear as if it is accurate fact; unfortunately “facts” are not always accurate. We have a civic responsibility to engage with objective reality and fact. Finding ways to hold onto accurate information is equally important. Using our memory to make wise choices to seek out and retain essential information matters in building strong relationships and a high quality of life.

Daniel Cantor Yalowitz writes a regular column in the Recorder. A developmental and intercultural psychologist, he has facilitated change in many organizations and communities around the world. His two most recent books are “Journeying with Your Archetypes” and “Reflections on the Nature of Friendship.” Reach out to him at danielcyalowitz@gmail.com.