I passed a yard recently with a big homemade Trump sign: “I’m voting for the felon and the hillbilly.” Full disclosure: I don’t like Trump. But I loved that sign.

Historians can fact-check me on this, but sociopaths don’t have a good democratic track record. To be fair, they’re often quite smart. And Trump, he’s kind of a genius.

We know this because he told us. He tells us a lot of things. For example, did you hear? America is going to hell. Yep. It’s bad. We might not have a country anymore if he loses.

If he wins, well, chin up. First, rest assured weary women of America. Donald Trump has promised to be your “protector.” Provided sex offender statutes, the courts, and his parole officer approve.

The war in Ukraine? Solved. One phone call. All Zelenskyy has to do is cede a few hectares and apologize to Putin for being invaded.

The Middle East? Like Ukraine, never would have happened were he still president. Still, mensch that he is, solved. A Palestinian, a Jew, and Donald Trump walk into a negotiation. The peace treaty writes itself.

Violent crime is down. Fact. Still, he’s hellbent on rounding up and deporting all the illegal “aliens.” It’ll only be, like, one day of violence.

The economy is historically strong. Fact. Inflation is coming down to pre-pandemic levels. Fact. Still, tariffs all around. 100%, 200%, whatever … with increased costs for goods born by consumers. Fact.

All of this assumes the election isn’t rigged. You know … the “illegals” voting (which is already illegal … and virtually never happens). Oh, Jews … remember, if he loses, it’s also kind of on you.

I wonder what must it be like to live unencumbered by reality, truth and morals? Seriously. The ease and fluidity with which he lies. It’s so egregious I think he believes it. In the words of George Costanza: “It’s not a lie … if you believe it.”

This isn’t snobbery. I’m not an intellectual. Fact. So I’ve no condescending tilt when I say Trump’s not a smart or stable man. He got off the sane train long before he started hustling Bibles, gold sneakers, and crypto.

Still, he’s a helluva populist pitch man. The race is tight. He could win.

And that brings me back to the yard sign. Let’s just be honest about who he is.

On a cursory level, Trump’s creepy. Pushing 80, he fake tans. He’s cheated with and paid off porn stars. He said he’d date his daughter if, you know, she wasn’t his daughter. His wife doesn’t particularly like him.

He got countless Vietnam deferrals because his feet hurt.

Many of his closest advisers comprise a macabre menagerie of racists, conspiracy theorists, and Holocaust deniers. Some of them call collect … from prison.

Despite violating at least a hat trick of biblical commandments, he says he never felt the urge to ask God for forgiveness. That’s probably why most God-fearing evangelicals oppose him. Oh, wait …

Juries of our peers and that pesky thing we call the law declared him a sexual abuser and a business fraud. Time will tell, but he may have tried to subvert an election and overthrow the government. The U.S. government. The big one.

Think he’s a brilliant businessman? Well, brilliant businessmen don’t. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and melted it into a plastic spork. He’s declared bankruptcy, oh, half a dozen times. Wall Street never respected him, they just got a kick out of him.

Think he’s a foreign policy whiz? That’d be news to his former top brass. Folks like his secretary of defense, national security adviser, and the four-star general crowd. And pretty much the entirety of NATO. But the usual suspects atop the International Criminal Court’s watch list are keen to get the band back together.

Were Putin to appear at a MAGA rally, my rubles say he’d get a standing ovation.

If you believe Trump has disavowed Project 2025 … he’s basically left with no credible policy plans. For anything.

Immigration? Yeah. He never built that wall, did he? Even with two years of Republican control? Mexico didn’t pony up a penny. And he single-handedly derailed the strictest immigration reform bill in history.

Global warming? He calls it a hoax. With a straight face.

If you think you’ve pinned down his position on abortion, he’d love to know what it is.

He calls the Jan. 6 jailed rioters “warriors” and “patriots.” Fine folk that they are, upon their pardon or parole, think he’d invite them into his personal residence at Mar-a-Lago for a welcome home party?

His whole life, he’s made up for ignorance with arrogance and insecurity with insolence. But he’s pretty much always failed forward.

As for his running mate, I won’t call J.D. a “hillbilly.” Not because it’s pejorative. But because it’s offensive to hillbillies. J.D. has gone from calling Trump “America’s Hitler” to cordoning off cliff space for his bust on Mount Rushmore. Now that’s some moral jiu-jitsu.

A lot of Trump supporters say they love him because he “tells it like it is.” That’s kind of the problem. We’ve listened.

Look, I’m not crazy about Kamala Harris. She’s taken some big ideological detours but, on the whole, I think she’s a safe port in the storm. Some knock her for a lack of accomplishments as VP but, as any VP will tell you, they aren’t supposed to accomplish anything.

I know some good people who support Trump. Just because we’re singing from different hymnals doesn’t mean we can’t break bread together.

But if talk of the election comes up, just admit it: “I’m voting for the felon.”

Ben Clarke is a communications consultant. A former Republican speechwriter, he has written for political leaders across the globe and advised numerous Fortune 100 CEOs on messaging and strategy. He lives in his hometown of Greenfield.